Mo Xuanyu tried not to shrink back at that as if it was an accusation. Somehow it made him feel even more like a failure that even with the extra work, he was still not doing as well as most of the others. There was a reason why he was using one of the most out-of-the-way courtyards.
But then his gaze drifted to the collar of Jin Guangyao's robes. He didn't see a bruise anymore, but they also looked like they were pulled up a little higher than they should be. If Jin Guangyao was hurt...!
"U-um, Lianfang-zun. I, um. Your neck, I thought maybe... ah, no, nevermind..."
If he was hiding it, then wouldn't it be rude of Mo Xuanyu to point it out? But still he couldn't help but worry, and he continued to stare at the spot without meaning to.
His expression had instantly softened at the boy's tone. He remembered how much of a struggle it was for him to build up his own core at this age and how many of the disciples of the richer families had taunted him for even daring to try.
"This one is glad to see that A-yu is so hardworking." His face froze as the bruise was pointed out, eyes darting in order to come up with a reasonable lie. "Ah, yes an unfortunate night hunt injury and my cultivation isn't as..." He trailed off. He hadn't been outside of Koi tower recently but he hoped it was enough of an excuse.
"Never mind that. Have you eaten yet? I can have the servants bring something to my rooms if you would like a break."
So it had been an injury. Suddenly not minding it was the furthest possibility from Mo Xuanyu's mind.
"A-are you alright? Do you need someone to treat it? I have some ointment. I use it when I hurt myself training, or..."
He trailed off there as he started to dig through a pouch attached to his belt, and a moment later he pulled out a small compact. It was only then that he seemed to finally realize he'd been asked a question, and he faltered, holding the ointment awkwardly as if unsure if he should offer it properly.
"Oh. Ah. Sorry, you asked about, ah, food? I'm... I'm alright. I'm not hungry."
In truth, he'd been so distracted that he just barely heard anything of the question at all, missing that it had come with an invitation back to Jin Guangyao's room all on its own.
"I am, And that is kind of you, A-yu. Perhaps you can help me. I do have an ointment of my own as well, I would hate to cut into your supply." The gods knew that even though money flowed like water in this place, medical supplies seemed to be a limited supply when it came to Jin Guangshan's bastards.
He gave the man a soft smile, Mo Xuanyu was a good person and really trying to be helpful. Jinlintai was a hard place to be if you weren't the biggest fish in it and both of them had a disadvantage with not cultivating from childhood.
"Are you certain? Well, I'll have to have some dinner for myself and perhaps you can help me finish it?" He was worried that he wasn't getting enough to eat.
"I... ah!" Mo Xuanyu startled as he realized something and quickly bowed. "If Lianfang-zun would accept my help, I would most certainly oblige!"
When he straightened up again, his eyes seemed to be shining in a way they hadn't before. Though he'd refused the initial offer, the truth of it was that the disciples sometimes did not eat the best, and being one of the ones always picked on often left him with less filling portions.
"Where were you headed? We can go together, and then I can treat you in whatever way you want."
The words tumbled out a little too quickly, and a moment later Mo Xuanyu's face turned half a shade redder as his mind caught up to his mouth.
"That is kind of you A-Yu. Thank you for your aid. Come follow me." He knew the kind of bullying that had happened in the great sects, knew that the portions that Xuanyu was getting were probably less than ideal. His own portions weren't great, but thankfully the servants had taken pity upon him and occasionally brought him food if it was late enough.
Small kindness from unexpected places.
He laughed softly, not minding the slip-up. He was awkward but it was endearing. "We'll be heading to my chambers, and we can figure out the rest as we get there."
He asked a servant on the way to bring them both food and drink and led the man to a small room, his current humble quarters at Jinlintai. It was far from the buildings where the family was housed. Exactly what Jin Guangshan thought of him. The rooms were plain. A few small gifts hung up given to him by Lan Xichen or Nie Huaisang.
Mo Xuanyu opened his mouth to say something, but only a small sound escaped and he quickly closed his lips again, hoping that Jin Guangyao didn't notice the embarrassing noise. Instead he followed along dutifully, trying to hide the odd sense of elation and the way his stomach was doing flips.
He was just being kind to another Jin Sect disciple in a similar situation. Mo Xuanyu shouldn't mistake it for being anything more than that.
Once they arrived, Mo Xuanyu hesitated at the doorway for a few seconds before stepping in slowly. He managed to glance around at several of the decorations before his eyes fell towards the direction of the bed. Luckily he caught himself before his gaze lingered too long and he tried to casually continue looking around.
"It's nice."
The compliment was said a little weakly, but it was sincere. At his age Mo Xuanyu was housed in the area with all the lowest level disciples, and though his quarters were some of the nicer ones (by coincidence, surely) that wasn't saying very much. He had almost no possessions either, beyond basic supplies for cultivation and a few small things from his mother.
"Ah... thank you, Lianfang-zun. F-for inviting me, I mean."
If he did notice he didn't say anything. No need to point out anything that would make the shy boy any shyer after all. He settled down by a low table and patted the spot next to him for Mo Xuanyu to sit.
"Thank you a-Yu.
Goodness, you don't need to be that formal in here. I'm your elder brother, you can call me Yao-ge if you like. Here tell me what you have been learning." he said with a kind smile.
At the name "Yao-ge", Mo Xuanyu flushed a little more... or maybe that was from being invited to sit in such an intimately close space beside Jin Guangyao. He quickly shook his head.
"No, I--I couldn't. You're in a much higher position than me, and I'm not..."
Not allowed to acknowledge who my father is, he wanted to finish, but the words wouldn't quite come out. Already he felt like he must be imposing on Jin Guangyao with even this much.
He considered turning down the offered seat as well, but if he kept his distance, how was he going to help him with the ointment? It was only because of that that he dared sit himself down immediately beside Jin Guangyao.
He couldn't bring himself to look at him directly. Not when they were this close. Mo Xuanyu already felt like his heart might leap out of his chest at any moment.
"In class, we're going over history right now--we've just reached the Jin Sect's third generational leader. Um..." Mo Xuanyu had already forgotten his name already, so he quickly tried to continue on a different subject. "And in training, we're focusing on array formation."
"It is probably best if you don't call me that outside this room, however in here we are family. You can address me as Yao-ge when we are alone if you wish. I know that this place can be big, scary, and lonely sometimes." he knew that. Jin Guangshan has not officially acknowledged him. He knew his father brought Mo Xuanyu to dangle in front of him as a threat. But he never truly saw either of them as people.
"It sounds as if you are progressing though. Good work." he said kindly. There was a knock on the door as a servant brought a tray of food and tea. Bowing low before leaving. He thanked her by name and smile.
"Ah yes, but come and help me finish dinner first, this looks far too much for me to eat by myself. A-Yu."
At the knock Mo Xuanyu froze where he was, terrified as if he'd been caught in a compromising position. From when the servant knocked to when the door slid shut behind her again he didn't move a muscle, perhaps hoping that he wouldn't be spotted, or at least couldn't be accused of doing anything more untoward than sitting here.
It was only once she'd departed that he dared raise his gaze to see what she'd brought. Suddenly he remembered the offer to share Jin Guangyao's meal with him, and despite himself, he felt his stomach rumble a little in eagerness. The meal looked much better than what the normal disciples were usually fed, and with more to it.
"Then, ah, if you insist, I will..." but he trailed off as he looked over the array of dishes and his gaze settled on the chopsticks. Right, there was only one pair.
So if they shared a pair of chopsticks, wouldn't that be like...?
Immediately he pushed the thought from his mind before he could run too wild with it and cause himself to lose face. Mo Xuanyu swallowed thickly before continuing. "I will eat whatever you don't finish. It's your dinner, Lianfang-zun, so please eat first."
He gave the younger man an indulgent smile he could understand the pensiveness, he himself felt much the same in other's spaces much of the time and Koi Tower had ears everywhere.
Jin Guangyao's smile grew softer as he heard his stomach rumble, shifting next to him and setting out the meal.
After she left he place his hands over Mo Xuanyu's giving it a squeeze. "Don't be silly, we can share. Here, Yao-ge can feed you." he picked up some of the fine meat and placed it over some rice, and held it out for his brother to eat from.
"It's better this way. You must have worked up quite an appetite from training as hard as you were doing. Hurry before the food drops."
When those hands landed on his own, Mo Xuanyu's whole body went stiff. He suddenly felt far, far warmer than he should have, and the feeling didn't fade even when Jin Guangyao pulled back. He barely had time to consider how he was going to hide his body's reaction before Jin Guangyao was holding out food for him.
In his flustered panic, he could only go along with the urging. Before Mo Xuanyu had time to think he leaned forward and closed his mouth around the food. He seemed to only realize what he'd done a moment later, freezing there, his mouth on Jin Guangyao's chopsticks.
His face and ears suddenly burned, but what could he do at this point? There was no taking it back. Instead he slowly leaned back, taking the food into his mouth, wanting little more than for the floor to open up and swallow him whole.
"I... I'm so sorry." He wasn't even done chewing when he mumbled it, his gaze falling to the floor in shame. "Th-those are your chopsticks, and I, I-I just..."
Jin Guangyao took his stiffness for shyness. He didn't quite realize the feelings the other man was having.
Oh. perhaps he wasn't used to this kind of care. He gave him a small indulgent smile and a soft look.
"Oh goodness A-Yu. You have nothing to be sorry for. I don't mind sharing my chopsticks." he picked up some food and had some himself. "See? Which dish would you like to try? I really like this one." he gestured at a small fish dish.
"Here, let Yao-ge feed you. You're helping me with the medicine after all. This is the least I can do for you." it was nice. Almost a little bit of intimacy that he had forgotten how to feel. Sometimes he felt like he no longer existed in a tangible way in Lanling.
When Jin Guangyao took some food himself, there was no hiding the way Mo Xuanyu's face briefly turned bright red. For a few moments too long, his gaze lingered on Jin Guangyao's lips before he forcibly tore himself away.
"Okay."
He just barely gave voice to the word. After a few attempts, he finally managed to get out,
"I'll try that one then."
Mo Xuanyu tried to thicken his face and look back at Jin Guangyao, but couldn't hold eye contact and instead opted for following the motion of those chopsticks in his hand. He might not have obviously been flushed anymore, but his ears were still red.
It wasn't that Jin Guangyao hadn't noticed the odd reaction. He noticed most things, but even though this was quite unethical, he couldn't help but want the intimacy, the adoration that the young man gave him. He was so tired of the looks of disgust that other members of his sect gave him constantly.
He smiles and brushes a little bit of Mo Xuanyu's hair away from his face, before picking up some of the dish and rice and holding it out to him.
"Here you are, be a good boy and eat well. You'll need the strength as you work to develop your core properly." he was going to have to talk to someone to make sure they weren't starving him on purpose, the boy really was on the skinnier side.
He tried not to think about how Jin Guangyao's lips had been on these chopsticks just a few moments ago. He tried to ignore the way that contact to his hair made his heart leap nearly out of his chest. It felt dizzying, like he was just barely hanging on to himself as the attention escalated bit by bit. He didn't dare hope for more, but with each little thing he felt that deep, shameful secret that he'd kept buried inside of him growing.
"I... I can feed myself. You don't need to keep troubling yourself over me."
Despite the suggestion, he didn't try to reach out and take the chopsticks just yet.
"You really aren't any trouble at all. You know." he gently fed him the bite. He wondered if his life was one that was similar to make him as skittish as he was. he still struggled to hide his own skittishness under a pleasant facade. One of the many masks to wear when one is protecting himself, Though he didn't think Xuanyu had too many masks, his face usually revealed what he was thinking rather easily.
"It's good, right? Here eat some more. You really are too thin." his fingers pressed against his face affectionately. It was odd, when was the last time anyone looked at him this way?
He mumbled it and continued eating, unable to protest much more. When Jin Guangyao's fingers pressed against his skin, Mo Xuanyu felt himself go bright red all over again.
He wanted Jin Guangyao to kiss him.
He really wanted Jin Guangyao to kiss him.
And once he'd let himself think about it, he couldn't stop. Their lips had already indirectly touched with the chopsticks, so it wouldn't be that much different. Jin Guangyao could put their lips together, and then he could lift up Mo Xuanyu and carry him to the bed, and lay down on top of him--
"I... I-I... I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Even if Jin Guangyao couldn't read his thoughts to know what he was imagining, it was so inappropriate that Mo Xuanyu couldn't help but apologize and hide his face in shame. How could he look upon Jin Guangyao when his head was filled with such images? His body felt warm, too warm, and he knew that he had to calm himself before things got further out of hand.
This was wrong. Jin Guangyao knew it was. He was the one in the more powerful position here. He would be taking advantage of his lower position. This boy was trusting him and he knew what effect he had on him.
He was warm though and so close. And it felt nice to be wanted, to be adored. When was the last time anyone adored him? Should he give in even though he knew any misstep on his part could land him kicked out or worse?
All this hard work for nothing.
Perhaps...What if he could forget it for one night? He'll put talismans up so no one could hear. Take him to study in the secret room. He was covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe, was it wrong that he wanted care, a gentle touch? Just this once?
His hands moved from his face to lilt up his face. "A-Yu. You have nothing to be sorry about. You have done nothing wrong. You are such a good boy. You work so hard. I see you trying your best."
Tears threatened to build in his eyes as he could no longer tear his gaze away and could only listen to those words. To hear Jin Guangyao of all people say things like that to him gave him a happiness beyond compare. He let himself imagine it.
"Yao-ge..."
It slipped out before he could stop it, the intimate-feeling form of address brightening the flush on his face and coiling a heat in his lower abdomen. Mo Xuanyu knew, he knew it was a mistake, he shouldn't be doing this, he shouldn't be here. But it felt so good. He wanted to be like this with Jin Guangyao. He wanted to do all those things he'd seen in the dirty books.
He was breathing heavily, lips parted just the slightest bit. Mo Xuanyu leaned in just a little, wanting a kiss so bad but not daring to seek one. His lashes trembled as if he couldn't decide whether to keep his eyes open or shut.
Despite everything he had experienced at the Jin Sect so far, this was the most excited and vulnerable he'd ever felt.
His fingers danced through his hair. Leaning forward to place a soft kiss against it. This boy too was broken, much, in the same way, all of Jin Guangshan's bastards were broken. They were hungry for a father's love that would never come. In a world that would never accept them for the crime of being born. Who could begin to understand that feeling?
Jin Guangyao pressed against him, bringing the teen to his side and wrapping an arm around him. He felt that heat from him, those hungry looks and it was certainly not for the food he had. He wiped a bit at the teen's mouth with the corner of a handkerchief.
"A-Yu. You are worth more than anything they say to you. I see you working. I hope you know it no matter what anyone says."
They were two peonies marred by the soil they blossomed from. They could still grow beautifully. Guangyao was determined. And sometimes flowers needed soft words as well. They needed care. Was he horrible for wanting it?
The lips didn't land where he wanted them to but they landed all the same. When Jin Guangyao's arm wrapped around him Mo Xuanyu immediately leaned into the touch, pressing himself against Jin Guangyao with desperation and instinct. At any moment now Jin Guangyao might realize what sort of an effect he was having, either by seeing the tent in Mo Xuanyu's pants or by feeling the shape press against him, and the idea was as exciting as it was terrifying.
He was torn between wanting so badly to have more, and the fear of being rejected for wanting even this much.
"Yao-ge, I... Thank you. Th-thank you..."
His fingers continuously clenched and released on Jin Guangyao's robes as he tried to work up his courage, or finally convince himself the risk wasn't worth taking.
"Of course, A-Yu. You deserve soft things and to know that you are valued and important." his fingers move gently through his hair and over his shoulders and finally to rest on his waist. His lips moved down to kiss his temples, soft as a butterfly.
He would have had to admit that he was made of jade to say that this did not effect him in any way. It did. There was a low shameful heat deep in his belly, and he was painfully hard. Was this all it took? Someone who looked at him as a person who should be clean and admirable and not the disgusting filth he was. Especially with what he was considering.
His breath came out in small hot huffs, his voice low. A forefinger tilted his younger brother's chin up with a finger and he kissed his soft lips. He may very well be what they all said about him, but he could seek a moment of comfort in the hell they both lived in.
When Jin Guangyao tilted his chin up, Mo Xuanyu felt as if his heart had stopped.
The feeling of lips on his own was so overwhelming that Mo Xuanyu's mind went completely blank, leaving only a feeling of total elation. His fingers in the front of Jin Guangyao's robes were clenched tight enough to be sore but he couldn't feel them at all. This was it. This was what he'd been hoping for the whole time.
Heat suddenly flooded through his body and he couldn't help but let out a sob. He pressed his face forward, having no idea how to kiss but wanting to keep kissing anyway. He shuddered and sobbed as he continued pushing his lips against Jin Guangyao's, an utter mess already but unwilling to let go for the world. Even if this was a dream he wanted to indulge in it for as long as he possibly could.
Mo Xuanyu was so wrapped up in kissing that it took him several long moments before he started to notice the telltale sensation of liquid dripping down his thigh.
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Mo Xuanyu tried not to shrink back at that as if it was an accusation. Somehow it made him feel even more like a failure that even with the extra work, he was still not doing as well as most of the others. There was a reason why he was using one of the most out-of-the-way courtyards.
But then his gaze drifted to the collar of Jin Guangyao's robes. He didn't see a bruise anymore, but they also looked like they were pulled up a little higher than they should be. If Jin Guangyao was hurt...!
"U-um, Lianfang-zun. I, um. Your neck, I thought maybe... ah, no, nevermind..."
If he was hiding it, then wouldn't it be rude of Mo Xuanyu to point it out? But still he couldn't help but worry, and he continued to stare at the spot without meaning to.
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"This one is glad to see that A-yu is so hardworking." His face froze as the bruise was pointed out, eyes darting in order to come up with a reasonable lie. "Ah, yes an unfortunate night hunt injury and my cultivation isn't as..." He trailed off. He hadn't been outside of Koi tower recently but he hoped it was enough of an excuse.
"Never mind that. Have you eaten yet? I can have the servants bring something to my rooms if you would like a break."
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"A-are you alright? Do you need someone to treat it? I have some ointment. I use it when I hurt myself training, or..."
He trailed off there as he started to dig through a pouch attached to his belt, and a moment later he pulled out a small compact. It was only then that he seemed to finally realize he'd been asked a question, and he faltered, holding the ointment awkwardly as if unsure if he should offer it properly.
"Oh. Ah. Sorry, you asked about, ah, food? I'm... I'm alright. I'm not hungry."
In truth, he'd been so distracted that he just barely heard anything of the question at all, missing that it had come with an invitation back to Jin Guangyao's room all on its own.
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He gave the man a soft smile, Mo Xuanyu was a good person and really trying to be helpful. Jinlintai was a hard place to be if you weren't the biggest fish in it and both of them had a disadvantage with not cultivating from childhood.
"Are you certain? Well, I'll have to have some dinner for myself and perhaps you can help me finish it?" He was worried that he wasn't getting enough to eat.
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When he straightened up again, his eyes seemed to be shining in a way they hadn't before. Though he'd refused the initial offer, the truth of it was that the disciples sometimes did not eat the best, and being one of the ones always picked on often left him with less filling portions.
"Where were you headed? We can go together, and then I can treat you in whatever way you want."
The words tumbled out a little too quickly, and a moment later Mo Xuanyu's face turned half a shade redder as his mind caught up to his mouth.
/dusts off tag from the depths of my inbox
Small kindness from unexpected places.
He laughed softly, not minding the slip-up. He was awkward but it was endearing. "We'll be heading to my chambers, and we can figure out the rest as we get there."
He asked a servant on the way to bring them both food and drink and led the man to a small room, his current humble quarters at Jinlintai. It was far from the buildings where the family was housed. Exactly what Jin Guangshan thought of him. The rooms were plain. A few small gifts hung up given to him by Lan Xichen or Nie Huaisang.
/offers you a feather duster
He was just being kind to another Jin Sect disciple in a similar situation. Mo Xuanyu shouldn't mistake it for being anything more than that.
Once they arrived, Mo Xuanyu hesitated at the doorway for a few seconds before stepping in slowly. He managed to glance around at several of the decorations before his eyes fell towards the direction of the bed. Luckily he caught himself before his gaze lingered too long and he tried to casually continue looking around.
"It's nice."
The compliment was said a little weakly, but it was sincere. At his age Mo Xuanyu was housed in the area with all the lowest level disciples, and though his quarters were some of the nicer ones (by coincidence, surely) that wasn't saying very much. He had almost no possessions either, beyond basic supplies for cultivation and a few small things from his mother.
"Ah... thank you, Lianfang-zun. F-for inviting me, I mean."
/vacuums
"Thank you a-Yu.
Goodness, you don't need to be that formal in here. I'm your elder brother, you can call me Yao-ge if you like. Here tell me what you have been learning." he said with a kind smile.
that works too lol
"No, I--I couldn't. You're in a much higher position than me, and I'm not..."
Not allowed to acknowledge who my father is, he wanted to finish, but the words wouldn't quite come out. Already he felt like he must be imposing on Jin Guangyao with even this much.
He considered turning down the offered seat as well, but if he kept his distance, how was he going to help him with the ointment? It was only because of that that he dared sit himself down immediately beside Jin Guangyao.
He couldn't bring himself to look at him directly. Not when they were this close. Mo Xuanyu already felt like his heart might leap out of his chest at any moment.
"In class, we're going over history right now--we've just reached the Jin Sect's third generational leader. Um..." Mo Xuanyu had already forgotten his name already, so he quickly tried to continue on a different subject. "And in training, we're focusing on array formation."
He clenched his hands in his lap.
"Ah... Lianfang-zun, the ointment..."
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"It sounds as if you are progressing though. Good work." he said kindly. There was a knock on the door as a servant brought a tray of food and tea. Bowing low before leaving. He thanked her by name and smile.
"Ah yes, but come and help me finish dinner first, this looks far too much for me to eat by myself. A-Yu."
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It was only once she'd departed that he dared raise his gaze to see what she'd brought. Suddenly he remembered the offer to share Jin Guangyao's meal with him, and despite himself, he felt his stomach rumble a little in eagerness. The meal looked much better than what the normal disciples were usually fed, and with more to it.
"Then, ah, if you insist, I will..." but he trailed off as he looked over the array of dishes and his gaze settled on the chopsticks. Right, there was only one pair.
So if they shared a pair of chopsticks, wouldn't that be like...?
Immediately he pushed the thought from his mind before he could run too wild with it and cause himself to lose face. Mo Xuanyu swallowed thickly before continuing. "I will eat whatever you don't finish. It's your dinner, Lianfang-zun, so please eat first."
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Jin Guangyao's smile grew softer as he heard his stomach rumble, shifting next to him and setting out the meal.
After she left he place his hands over Mo Xuanyu's giving it a squeeze. "Don't be silly, we can share. Here, Yao-ge can feed you." he picked up some of the fine meat and placed it over some rice, and held it out for his brother to eat from.
"It's better this way. You must have worked up quite an appetite from training as hard as you were doing. Hurry before the food drops."
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In his flustered panic, he could only go along with the urging. Before Mo Xuanyu had time to think he leaned forward and closed his mouth around the food. He seemed to only realize what he'd done a moment later, freezing there, his mouth on Jin Guangyao's chopsticks.
His face and ears suddenly burned, but what could he do at this point? There was no taking it back. Instead he slowly leaned back, taking the food into his mouth, wanting little more than for the floor to open up and swallow him whole.
"I... I'm so sorry." He wasn't even done chewing when he mumbled it, his gaze falling to the floor in shame. "Th-those are your chopsticks, and I, I-I just..."
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Oh. perhaps he wasn't used to this kind of care. He gave him a small indulgent smile and a soft look.
"Oh goodness A-Yu. You have nothing to be sorry for. I don't mind sharing my chopsticks." he picked up some food and had some himself. "See? Which dish would you like to try? I really like this one." he gestured at a small fish dish.
"Here, let Yao-ge feed you. You're helping me with the medicine after all. This is the least I can do for you." it was nice. Almost a little bit of intimacy that he had forgotten how to feel. Sometimes he felt like he no longer existed in a tangible way in Lanling.
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"Okay."
He just barely gave voice to the word. After a few attempts, he finally managed to get out,
"I'll try that one then."
Mo Xuanyu tried to thicken his face and look back at Jin Guangyao, but couldn't hold eye contact and instead opted for following the motion of those chopsticks in his hand. He might not have obviously been flushed anymore, but his ears were still red.
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He smiles and brushes a little bit of Mo Xuanyu's hair away from his face, before picking up some of the dish and rice and holding it out to him.
"Here you are, be a good boy and eat well. You'll need the strength as you work to develop your core properly." he was going to have to talk to someone to make sure they weren't starving him on purpose, the boy really was on the skinnier side.
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"I... I can feed myself. You don't need to keep troubling yourself over me."
Despite the suggestion, he didn't try to reach out and take the chopsticks just yet.
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"It's good, right? Here eat some more. You really are too thin." his fingers pressed against his face affectionately. It was odd, when was the last time anyone looked at him this way?
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He mumbled it and continued eating, unable to protest much more. When Jin Guangyao's fingers pressed against his skin, Mo Xuanyu felt himself go bright red all over again.
He wanted Jin Guangyao to kiss him.
He really wanted Jin Guangyao to kiss him.
And once he'd let himself think about it, he couldn't stop. Their lips had already indirectly touched with the chopsticks, so it wouldn't be that much different. Jin Guangyao could put their lips together, and then he could lift up Mo Xuanyu and carry him to the bed, and lay down on top of him--
"I... I-I... I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Even if Jin Guangyao couldn't read his thoughts to know what he was imagining, it was so inappropriate that Mo Xuanyu couldn't help but apologize and hide his face in shame. How could he look upon Jin Guangyao when his head was filled with such images? His body felt warm, too warm, and he knew that he had to calm himself before things got further out of hand.
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He was warm though and so close. And it felt nice to be wanted, to be adored. When was the last time anyone adored him? Should he give in even though he knew any misstep on his part could land him kicked out or worse?
All this hard work for nothing.
Perhaps...What if he could forget it for one night? He'll put talismans up so no one could hear. Take him to study in the secret room. He was covered in cuts and bruises from head to toe, was it wrong that he wanted care, a gentle touch? Just this once?
His hands moved from his face to lilt up his face. "A-Yu. You have nothing to be sorry about. You have done nothing wrong. You are such a good boy. You work so hard. I see you trying your best."
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"Yao-ge..."
It slipped out before he could stop it, the intimate-feeling form of address brightening the flush on his face and coiling a heat in his lower abdomen. Mo Xuanyu knew, he knew it was a mistake, he shouldn't be doing this, he shouldn't be here. But it felt so good. He wanted to be like this with Jin Guangyao. He wanted to do all those things he'd seen in the dirty books.
He was breathing heavily, lips parted just the slightest bit. Mo Xuanyu leaned in just a little, wanting a kiss so bad but not daring to seek one. His lashes trembled as if he couldn't decide whether to keep his eyes open or shut.
Despite everything he had experienced at the Jin Sect so far, this was the most excited and vulnerable he'd ever felt.
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Jin Guangyao pressed against him, bringing the teen to his side and wrapping an arm around him. He felt that heat from him, those hungry looks and it was certainly not for the food he had. He wiped a bit at the teen's mouth with the corner of a handkerchief.
"A-Yu. You are worth more than anything they say to you. I see you working. I hope you know it no matter what anyone says."
They were two peonies marred by the soil they blossomed from. They could still grow beautifully. Guangyao was determined. And sometimes flowers needed soft words as well. They needed care. Was he horrible for wanting it?
Probably so.
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The lips didn't land where he wanted them to but they landed all the same. When Jin Guangyao's arm wrapped around him Mo Xuanyu immediately leaned into the touch, pressing himself against Jin Guangyao with desperation and instinct. At any moment now Jin Guangyao might realize what sort of an effect he was having, either by seeing the tent in Mo Xuanyu's pants or by feeling the shape press against him, and the idea was as exciting as it was terrifying.
He was torn between wanting so badly to have more, and the fear of being rejected for wanting even this much.
"Yao-ge, I... Thank you. Th-thank you..."
His fingers continuously clenched and released on Jin Guangyao's robes as he tried to work up his courage, or finally convince himself the risk wasn't worth taking.
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He would have had to admit that he was made of jade to say that this did not effect him in any way. It did. There was a low shameful heat deep in his belly, and he was painfully hard. Was this all it took? Someone who looked at him as a person who should be clean and admirable and not the disgusting filth he was. Especially with what he was considering.
His breath came out in small hot huffs, his voice low. A forefinger tilted his younger brother's chin up with a finger and he kissed his soft lips. He may very well be what they all said about him, but he could seek a moment of comfort in the hell they both lived in.
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The feeling of lips on his own was so overwhelming that Mo Xuanyu's mind went completely blank, leaving only a feeling of total elation. His fingers in the front of Jin Guangyao's robes were clenched tight enough to be sore but he couldn't feel them at all. This was it. This was what he'd been hoping for the whole time.
Heat suddenly flooded through his body and he couldn't help but let out a sob. He pressed his face forward, having no idea how to kiss but wanting to keep kissing anyway. He shuddered and sobbed as he continued pushing his lips against Jin Guangyao's, an utter mess already but unwilling to let go for the world. Even if this was a dream he wanted to indulge in it for as long as he possibly could.
Mo Xuanyu was so wrapped up in kissing that it took him several long moments before he started to notice the telltale sensation of liquid dripping down his thigh.
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